because

i drink the dark and eat the light
for i am the moon's only child.

she caressed me like a mother would
and shone her light
for me to read books i should.

the horse neighs
the dog barks..
the sweet sound
i hear are of that
the lost lark's.

but the sunlight
and the warm bright
i cannot resist.

maybe, just maybe
i'ts because i don't exist.

In response to, "When are you getting married?"

Marriage might...
and would...
stultify my mental processes.

I'm not pivoted that way...
and so,
must I be chained in a kennel like a monk?

Max and I

Here we are. I'm obviously down a few drinks... when up walks Max and says, "I know you hate taking pictures, but you have to take one with me!"

huh?

roses are red
violets are blue
i'm schizophrenic
and so am i.

The Perception Personality Image Test ...

Your result for The Perception Personality Image Test...

NFPS - The Guru

Nature, Foreground, Big Picture, and Shape

You perceive the world with particular attention to nature. You focus on what's in front of you (the foreground) and how that fits into the larger picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the shapes around you. Because of the value you place on nature, you tend to find comfort in more subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You like to deal directly with whatever comes your way without dealing with speculating possibilities or outcomes you can't control. You are in tune with all that is around you and understand your life as part of a larger whole. You prefer a structured environment within which to live and you like things to be predictable.

The Perception Personality Types:

Take The Perception Personality Image Test at HelloQuizzy

love the clouds!

This picture was captured by Google Maps's Street view camera. This is near my building... I absolutely love the clouds.


Here is a close up of the same cloud formation and also an itty bitty view of downtown manhattan. There's a huge park to the right... where dogs, kiddies and adults come out to play :) and we do have a small stretch of beach (if you can call it that) where the dogs swim while we make sand castles.

I love my neighborhood.

Characteristics of the Child Abuse Survivor

• Changes in behavior at school or at home. (withdrawal, inattentiveness, or other unusual behavior)
• Sleep disturbances (insomnia, bed wetting, nightmares)
• Unexplained and sudden fears
• Loss of appetite
• Excessive anger or reckless behavior
• A new reluctance to spend time with certain people
• A need for more reassurance than usual
• Overwhelming knowledge of sexual behavior
• Isolation from friends, limited participation in social activities
• Depression
• Drug or alcohol use
• Chronic running away
• Increase in physical complaints (miscellaneous illnesses)
• Inappropriate attention-getting behavior
• Suicide attempts
• Self inflicted physical abuse (self-mutilation)
• Poor self-esteem
• Problems in school (missing class, grades)
• Prostitution
  

sad sad story

I lost a childhood friend... I heard about it just today.

Gautami train inferno

I know I'm going to go home and pour over the old photo albums... reminiscing about all the wonderful years we had together as kids. We were neighbors, siblings, best friends for quite a few years. Hari was always a wonderful kid.

Yes there were times when I thought of him as an annoying little brother poking his nose in my business... or we ganging up on Nandini (his younger sister). I'll remember the time when I had, for the first time, proudly donned my cricket uniform to play in the women's leagues and all the ghastly things he had to say about that uniform (you're too muscular... you look FAT in it). And the time when we learned to ride a bicycle together (when we were really little kids).

We grew up. Moved apartments. Lost touch.

But I can assure you that that boy had the kindest heart in that entire family. He was a better
person than the rest of his family put together.

My thoughts are disjointed right now.

I have only one question:

Why do children have to pay for the mistakes of their parents?

WTF!

July 24^th, 2008:

I came home late last night… around 10:45pm. I met up with Drew and Lane for some one-on-one time with their dog and some quality time with them. We had a beer out in our parking lot while we chatted about everything – weed to weirdos!

On my way home, my tummy was creating a ruckus. Obviously! No food since the previous night.

As soon as I stepped inside the house, I saw that S was fast asleep on the couch and his parents were hanging around… I guess waiting for me. I got asked the usual questions “Why were you at work so late?” etc. I just grunted a polite response and went about my business.

I sat on the couch where S was sleeping and started to take off my sandals. S’s parents were there watching me sit on the same couch with S while I was un-strapping my sandals. I covered S with his blanket and then went to my room. His parents said good night and they went to their room.

I came out a few minutes later and was sneaking in my own kitchen looking for food! Obviously there was none. I mean, I’m not part of the family, right? Well, I had some leftovers that I had cooked 2 days prior. I just dove right into it. I didn’t even bother nuking it… I was hungry.

Anyways, I brought the food to the living room… switched on the TV to my favorite show and finished my food. When I cleared that away and came back to the couch, I saw that S was awake. He was still lying down… and asked me to sit with him for some time.

I propped my back against S's legs (he was lying down on the couch) and settled down to watch the end of the show.

Just as my luck would have it... S's father came out and saw me and S in that ‘oh so bad position’ and told S's mom. S was summoned to his parents’ room and I could hear them both yelling at him. His mom was saying "I sent you here to do your Masters... but it looks like you're busy doing something else" (LOL! Yes! Your son’s too busy doing me! OMG! I can’t believe I just said that!)

*just realized that the previous line has too many exclamation points and that combined with the OMG makes me sound like a dumb girly girl*

Anyways, they were freakin' out! It turned BAD.

How were we supposed to know S’s father would come out of the room? And I was just sitting!

Drama!

After I went to bed, I heard them coming out of their room every 10 minutes to see if S was sleeping on the couch or not! I know this went on until 4:30am when I finally fell asleep!

I was rudely awakened by the doors opening and closing and all the noise they were making at 5:30am!

Fuck.

I just dragged myself out of bed and got ready… took the dog out and came to work early!

American Maid Servant – Part Two

Wednesday, July 23^rd, 2008:

I woke up at 4:30am with a very high fever. Checked my temperature and couldn’t believe it was 102. At times like this, I wish I didn’t have to climb down the ladder of my loft bed.

I somehow managed to stumble down… find my way to the medicine cabinet and pop 2 Advil in my mouth.

At 7:45am, I’m still burning up… I text S and let him know that I’m sick… but maybe I should go to work as I’ll get more rest at work than at home. S assures me that he’ll let his parents know that I’m sick sick sick and not to disturb me.

Phew! I’m thinking maybe I can get a good day’s rest.

I zone out and then I start hearing shhh shh noises. I’m still teetering on the edge of reality and dreams… and I finally figure out what’s going on. S’s mom was washing dishes and every time she made a loud noise, S’s dad would say shhh shhh.

This went on for a while!

I couldn’t find my ear plugs so I cover my head with the pillow and the blanket and try to fall back to sleep. Alas, I knew I couldn’t. Finally I looked at the clock… 9:45am. FUCK.

Again, I slowly manage to get my feet on the ladder and climb down. I walk to the kitchen and they start bombarding me with questions – “Are you sick?” “You don’t look sick!”

S’s mom asks me if I’d like some breakfast and I politely declined and said that I’d just like some coffee.

I take the coffee back to my room and try to NOT gulp it down.

I come back in the living room at 10:15am to find S’s dad ironing his shirt on the dining table. I try to quietly put my coffee mug in the kitchen and sneak back to my room. But! S’s dad starts asking me how to work the iron… how to iron etc.

I gave up any thought of r-n-r.

I told them that I was going to put on this really nice Indian movie… they should sit and watch it while I’d finish ironing his shirt.

They settled down on the couch… while I settled down to iron. I sprayed starch on the shirt and did a good job (the way I was taught), hung up the shirt in the closet and went back to my room for a break.

I come out 10 minutes later to find S’s dad ironing another shirt… he then starts to grumble about how he can’t iron like I do… how ironing is an art and I’m talented at it! *rolls eyes*

I was like “fine! I’ll do it!”

I start to iron the other shirt and watch the movie. While this is going on, S’s dad disappears into the closet and comes back out with the following:

5 of his tshirts
3 of his pants
2 more shirts of his
3 of S’s pants
2 of S’s shirts

Holy mother! WTF!

I really didn’t even have the energy to tell him that I’m really really sick and I really can’t do it. So basically I ended up ironing from 10:15am to 1:25pm. And yes! I was watching the clock… cursing myself for not going into the office.

After that, we had lunch and I cleared the table, cleaned the kitchen did the dishes. They went to the bedroom for their afternoon siesta and I crashed on the couch grateful to be in the horizontal position!

I barely got a half hour rest when my friend walks through the door. This is the guy who’s been crashing at my place. I ask him to take me to the pet boutique and BJs to buy cat food and litter.

We head out… get everything… meet S at the apartment and I hand over everything to the boys. I then go to my bar to get some rest! Can you believe that?

And yes, I’m still sick. Ugh.

New Day. New Drama.

I had a busy day at work yesterday. It was good to be so immersed in my work that I barely had time to think about anything else.

I got to my favorite bar (close to home) around 7pm, ordered a beer and was reading my book. S was supposed to take his parents to the mall. So I texted him letting him know that I’m at the bar and to please text me back when they leave for the mall.

Around 8pm, who do I see walking up to my table? S!

I was shocked and pleasantly surprised to see him. I’ve been missing him a lot lately even though I do see him every day. There’s a very perfunctory hello/hi/hey that we tell each other every night when I get home. I miss our conversations about work, dalai lama, ho chi minh city, all the random stuff we talk about every day. I miss curling up on the couch with him and fighting for the remote!

Oh well.

He sits right by me and I realized how much I love him. But at that point in time, I think I was more in love with food! I place an order for the spiciest buffalo wings, steak fries, a bass ale for him and a blue moon for me. I knew he had to go but he said he’d take his parents to the mall the next day.

Just as we started to attack the food, his parents call him at 8:45pm! He ignores it. We continue talking and eating and his parents call him again at 9pm!

That was it! I wanted to pull my hair out!

I told him to answer the goddamn phone. Well, they started grilling him about where he was, why was he not at home, when would he come back home, yada yada. He said he was out with a friend (since I was supposed to be at work) and would come home in 10-15 mins.

Finally, we get home at 11:15. A friend of mine, who’s staying over with us for a few days, was awake. And S’s parents were holed up in the bedroom. I knew they weren’t sleeping because the light was still on.

S and I ate some more food at home and finally called it a night around 1am.

This morning, when I woke up, I realize that there’s no one at home except my friend. The first thing he says is “Good Morning! You missed all the drama!”.

I rolled my eyes and said “Now what?”

So he said that S’s mom was crying in the morning yelling S “You said you will come back home in 10 minutes and you didn’t yesterday ... you didn’t have the courtesy to call us either!”

S said, “Sorry Ma ... didn’t think it would take that long. If I’m going somewhere, I will let you know! I met a friend of mine, and we got talking and I didn’t look at the time! And it was late anyways ... so the mall would be closed by then.”

His mom then says “We are at home all day, the only time we get to go anywhere is when you come home ... and you don’t even want to do that! and you don’t even tell us where you go!”

WTF is she talking about? He’ll be running a fever, dead tired from work and he comes home and takes them out every friggin’ day! It’s not like they’re stranded. They know how to get around the city. They can go if they want… but they’re possessive! They don’t want to leave him for one second! Bloody buggering idiots.

My friend also told me that they technically went to bed at 9:30… but they were coming outside and opening the apartment entrance door every 10 minutes to see if S had come or not!

The worst part about this whole thing is that I had been telling S to go home since 8:30. I knew his parents would be upset and worried if they didn’t see him around. But he didn’t want to go. He wanted to spend time with me. And now, the poor guy has to deal with all this drama.

Oh well, let’s see what new drama this evening will bring.

Life is... interesting.

It truly does keep you on your toes eh?

Anyways, I've been very busy these days. I leave work at 6pm but I've been helping a few friends of mine shop for big first dates/weddings etc.

I'm not usually the kind of person that enjoys shopping.. but this opportunity has made me realize the joy I get out of helping other people shop.

After the whole shopping/hangin' out scene, I head to this awesome bar near my house. I think the reason I like it is because it's half a block from my place... and it has $2 beers all day!

I stretch out that one beer for about 2 hours while I enjoy reading my book, or chatting with friends that walk by with their dogs. Those dogs don't let me have a moment of peace! Every time they see me, they know they're either going to get treats or butt rubs! hah :D

Around 11pm every night, I saunter home... trying to prolong the inevitable! I talk to the concierge in my building, talk to friends who might be walking by and then I finally head home.

Sometimes, I get lucky and S's mom is already in bed. But S's dad always manages to catch me! ugh.

"Why do you work so late? Why do you have to come home late?"

At this point, my brain starts screaming "Just shut the hell up!" while my mouth actually responds "Well, I have work. After all, I am an executive...".

I play with the cats, the dog, for another hour or so and then I crawl into bed dead tired. I haven't even been setting the alarm these days... cuz S's parents wake up at 5ish and start their loud and noisy and disrespectful morning routine. They don't care if anyone's actually sleeping or not.

Oh well.

2 months and 2 weeks to go.

American Maid Servant - Day One

July 10^th, Thursday:

I had been up until 3am cleaning out the walk-in closet in the master bedroom trying to get S’s clothes folded and put away and get my clothes out of the closet into the guest bedroom. I must’ve folded about 50 of S’s tshirts and tons of other clothes. I had gotten the whole closet settled with plenty of space for S’s parents clothes.

S and I had a major argument so obviously he didn’t help me at all and fell fast asleep on the couch snoring!

I woke up at 6:00am to get S up and out the door to pick up his parents. We had specifically told them to book their flights for Newark International Airport as that’s much closer than JFK. But obviously, they booked their tickets for JFK. Their flight was supposed to land at 7:45am. So I wanted S at the airport by 8am at least. And he also had to beat the NYC traffic (weekday!).

Anyways, I did a final vacuum and mopping of the house. It was completely dust free. And I started cooking. I made 5 dishes which took enough prep work and time. After which, I had the quickest shower of my life!

So they get home around 11am. Just a bare minimum hello which I thought was sufficient as they must’ve been so tired from the long flight. After they showered and settled down a bit, I served lunch and all I got was “why did you make so much? The food is ok” in a tone that I’m now getting used to.

I often wonder how to describe this tone that S’s mom uses when she talks to me… it’s hard to explain. It is a mix of derogatory, insulting, mean tone. But well, as I said earlier, I’m getting used to it.

They look around the house and not one word of appreciation or acknowledgement. S’s dad picked up this gorgeously painted huge ostrich egg that I brought all the way from Africa and my heart was in my mouth! I thought that I’d cry myself to death if he dropped it! Every single souvenir/collectible/book I have in my house was picked up, examined, scrutinized. But obviously I didn’t hear a peep from them.

After lunch, they crashed in the bedroom. So I told S that we need to do some last minute shopping at the grocery store and Target. As we were getting ready to walk out, his parents insist that they want to come along. So we all pile up in the car and head out.

Every store we go to, I pay.

Here’s the first incident that absolutely made me MAD, LIVID, UPSET.

We’re at Shoprite. I buy them whatever catches their fancy. After paying up, S and his dad go to the restrooms and his mom and I are waiting. The conversation goes something like this:

*I’m just checking the receipt to see if it’s accurate.*

His Mom: “How old were you when your father died?”

*I looked up completely shocked. I composed myself and thought to myself – here starts the interrogation*

Me: “2 years old.”

His Mom: “How old was he when he died?”

Me: “31 years old”

His Mom: “How did he die?”

Me: “Heart attack.”

His Mom: “What did he do before he died?”

Me: “He was an engineer and also had his own business.”

His Mom: “Did he leave you any property or money?”

*Now I’m shell shocked!*

Luckily, S and his dad walk in right that moment. And there ended the conversation.

I had promised myself to try as hard as I could to get along with them. But after this conversation, I was sub-consciously reneging on it! I mean, those questions are too personal to ask. But Indians don’t have a sense of privacy or subtlety or basic manners or etiquette.

We go home and I start cooking dinner. His mom walks into the kitchen and says “We do not eat rice at night. Make bread. And also, clean this mess in the bathroom.”

Fine.

Now I’m thinking to myself, what mess? The bathroom’s absolutely clean! I walk in and see that they didn’t know that the shower curtain was supposed to be INSIDE the tub rather than outside. So obviously the whole place was flooded after they had showered. I clean up the mess and go back to cooking.

I start making Indian bread… and a vegetable… and some kind of lentil soup. They barely eat. I was so bloody disappointed. I am a good cook. Hell! I'm a great cook. People invite themselves over to eat the food I make. And this was a first for me.

I decided that I will never eat what his mom cooks. And I’ll never eat at the table with them. I can’t swallow my food when they’re sitting right there. It’s just impossible. I lose my appetite.

I went straight to bed thinking I’ll be better off going to work on Friday.

Oh! I forget to mention: They brought all kinds of food and groceries from India. Like, lentils, rice, spices etc. We had specifically told them not to get that as we get everything here… and the quality is much better than India.

Anyways, my pantry is stocked as are most of my cabinets. My mom made sure that I had everything they would need for their kind of cuisine. So anyways, they get all kinds of munchies from India. And huge bags of spices. And they started looking for containers to put them in for storage.

Now most of this stuff is easily stored in zip lock bags. But they wouldn’t listen. His mom starts telling me “How come you don’t have boxes to put this in? And there is no space in any cabinet.” She was getting pissed off that we were telling them that it’s ok to store the stuff in zip lock bags! And also that the cabinets and pantry were well stocked!

Get OVER It!

God! That was a nightmare. To try to explain that this is not India! And things are done a bit differently out here in the US!